The Great Beginning of Pepemus De La PewPew

The Great Beginning of Pepemus De La PewPew is a journal who is supposedly written by Pepemus himself. It is unknown if there are more pages.

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The Great Beginning of Pepemus De La Pewpew

Greetings reader of this exclusive journal! If you are reading this then I presume that you are one of the lucky few who has somehow scavenged up this rare masterpiece “The Great Beginning of Pepemus De La PewPew”

Now I am sure that you are eager to read all about me. How did Pepemus defeat the swamp monster? How did Pepemus save the endangered dirt-tree moles? How did he become such a perfect specimen? And of course the hottest topic, if you are to believe the town gossip, Am I a pathological liar?

But before the legend, before the hero, there was only a man….

‘Pepemus you fucken git! I told you to bring FRESH water from the lake!’ ‘Yes father!’ The loudness in his voice could not be mistaken, my father was yet again drunk. Since before I was born my dad had a fondness for the hooch, I often wonder how he managed to enthrall my mother into sticking with him for so long as he did, but what can I say, he had a certain charm. He was also the wealthiest man in the village, that probably helped him alot. I wish I could tell you the name of the village but frankly it had no name, it wasn’t special, you could barely call it a village. What made my dad so “wealthy” was that he had the biggest farm, passed down from his father, 20 cows, 11 pigs and 13 chickens, plus Henry the rooster, gods I loved ole stubborn Henry, always making mischief for my dad, always crowing at the wrong hours. He was good at being a rooster too, really kept those hens in line, if Henry had been a person, I wished he would have been my father, but life is humorous like that, so I had to settle for the drunken deadbeat.

Anyways back to one of my great childhood days. ‘Oh, having another piece of bread are we?’ ‘You know very well that only people who work hard on this very farm get to take any more fucken bread’. I could tell that my father was wiring himself up to give me an earful, he had been in a foul mood the whole day, mostly because he had a cracking headache due to spending the whole night before at the tavern. I was always the scapegoat, and now he needed to vent his frustrations. ‘You didn't milk the cows today but I remember that I specifically told you to milk the cows..’ reluctantly I tried explaining that I had been quite busy, one of the chickens was sick and I feared that it might spread to the rest of them, and also that several pigs had escaped their enclosure because someone left the fence-gate open. My father was having none of it, ‘Are you blaming me for your lack of good work ethic? I swear Pepemus, if I wasn’t such a kind soul I would throw you across my lap and give you a good thrashing with this here belt, and I would be well in my right as well, having such a screw-up for a son!’. At this point in time I had gotten used to his verbal abuse that he would pour over me, so I simply responded in kind ‘Maybe if you hired a farmhand to help me and mom with the farm, you would get all your dumb chores done! Or better yet, you sober up and actually do some work yourself!’ My father shot straight up from the table, lumbering over me, ‘Gods how I regret having such a dumb, unthankful, lazy brat like you’ he leaned closer, I could smell the beer on his breath, ‘Go to bed, NOW!’. Now my father never did lay a hand on me, yet I was always afraid of what would happen if I did push him too far, it was for that reason that I didn’t argue with him, and it was much easier to just go along with his whims and commands. Needless to say, I did not have a merry childhood.

Moving forward a couple years and life was all sunshine and joy, I had saved enough coin and garnered enough worldly experience that I was ready to leave my coffin of a village and see the real world, be ruled over by no-one, do what I wanted to do. My luck was ever increasing seeing as my dad was on death’s door and would be a goner any day, my mother would inherit the farm and I had no doubt that she would manage it, she had a can-do attitude, no qualms about spending some money to hire actual help, and damned productive! So with no regret I said my goodbyes and started walking, and walking, and walking, there was a lot of walking. Considering the location of my village, it being out in the middle nowhere, I probably had to walk like a thousand miles, maybe a slight exaggeration but god damn was it long. I did not mind it however, the views I got were astonishing, grass clad hills, pinecone forests, murky swamps. I became a real nature-lover after that, I had always liked nature but after that long first trek, something changed. Nature was harsh and unforgiving but it was also true to itself and did not deceive, except for those tasty berries that turned out to be poisonous, that was real deception, Nature wasn’t greedy, it took only what it needed to survive. I vowed that I would try to live as frugal and true as Mother Nature. But resisting temptation would be much harder than I originally anticipated…

Few months later I arrived in what I would call a medium-sized town with some nasty vices attached to it. Gambling, betting, brawling, I was very much intrigued by all three of those things, never having experienced any of them. I decided against my better judgment that I would “sample” some of these activities, just so I could broaden my world-view and walk away with a richer understanding, It was not a happy fun time, it was a darky darky sad time. Gambling was not my forte, there was a game in which a guy put a rock in some cups and then switched them around a bunch of times. I tried to keep my wits about me but I could never guess where that stupid rock where, I wasn’t any better at cards or dice, but can you even be really good at dice? Isn’t it just all luck? Alright so gambling didn’t work out. A smarter person would have cut his losses and walked, but hey I was there to sample, and I was gonna sample it all. On to the next joyful activity, Betting! And suddenly I was left without any money, now in hindsight looking back, I probably shouldn’t have bet five times on the horse that always seemed to come last, but I just remember really liking the color scheme of that particular horse and thinking, “That’s the golden one!”. So that is how I ended up without money, maidenless and depressed in one of the town's shadier pubs. I am not proud of what I did next but I had to earn some money, just to buy some proper supplies and rations for my next journey. I signed up to fight, I didn’t really know what I was doing, I just walked up to the creepy barkeep and told him that I wanted to “throw hands” for money, the creep just nodded and ushered me towards a back-exit. It was quite a crowd, they had formed a tight circle and in it I could see two burly fellows having at it. I dearly hoped that I would not be against a particularly strong individual, surely I thought that they must give me a sporting chance. I was already feeling quite shameful about having to resort to violence as a means of making coin, but I was about to sink even lower. I was next up, I cautiously entered the very center of the human-circle and prepared myself for whatever they would throw at me, and.. Oh by the gods just having to write this down makes me sick! They made me fight a dwarf! He wasn’t even young, he looked so frail, and he had those pleading eyes. I dared not say anything, I just closed my eyes and threw a wild punch. The crowd went silent and then a man walked to the body of the dwarf and took a brief glance at him, ‘He’s dead! The bastard killed Toddy!’. The people booed and apparently some town-guards were also present because suddenly I was grabbed and thrown in irons, what is a guard doing at an illegal bar fighting ring anyway! I didn’t even get a trial, they said that there was nothing to object, I had killed Toddy. I spent the remainder of that year in a dingy poorly lit cell. That was probably my lowest point in life, as of yet!

After the “Toddy-incident” I decided that I shouldn’t linger in a place for too long, my body craved the fresh air of mother nature. Since then I have been walking from place to place, biome to biome. If you ask me, I am no longer a simple wanderer, I’m an adventurer! I even started to write down my origin story, as seen in this very book. You want more Pepemus? More adventures?! Well then, let’s hope that I continue to survive so I can keep writing!

Much love to all my readers/fans - Pepemus De La PewPew