Garfist Texts

Garfism (A Revision by Frederick Goldencoat)
On the first Monday of the lands of Rathnir, The Great Hound, Odie, stole the memory of the one true god, Garf, from the memories of man. False gods and unholy kings have run rampant ever since, and the power of Garf is fading. Garf and his meaty lasagna are worshiped by few that are unaffected by Odie’s curse. We are now stuck in the Great Hound, Odie’s, eternal cycle of Monday. However, there is still hope for ascension. Only through the worship of Garf, and the cleansing of heretics, can the virtuous Garfist hope to join Garfield and live in an Eternal Sunday. It is essential that we save the Forgotten God. A select few mortals are so divine they ascend past the Eternal Sunday and serve as aspects of Garf himself. These saints are worshiped alongside Garf. A list of those believed to have ascended remain in Greenstem.

Sacrifice
Few mortals remembered Garf. The old Garfist ways were no longer being practiced among humanity. For this, the people of Rathnir suffered. The soil in the town of Greenstem had become infertile, and their crops turned to ash. The town had no food for the upcoming winter. But not all had forgotten Garf. The town elder still told those who would listen about Garf and the spirits. Most labeled him crazy for they were a godless people. The elder climbed a hill to bring himself closer to the Eternal Sunday, and spoke out to Garf, “Please Garf, the forgotten god and lord of the dead, I know the people of my town are heretics, I know they have sinned, but find it in your infinite wisdom to bring life back to these lands.” At first there was nothing but silence. The elder sat on the hill. He knew his answer would come eventually. After many hours, the forgotten god whispered his will in the elders ear, “To save your people from their sins and cure them from the living world, you must make a great pilgrimage. Take this quartz seed and travel the great road to it’s end. When you arrive plant the tree in the soil and spread your knowledge of the true lord, Garf.” The elder left town the next day. Fuelled by his new purpose, he made quick pace. By midday he had made it a third of the way to the road’s end. He was then greeted by Ornamak, the wolf. Ornamak was the son of Odie, Lord of the Living, and the spirit of sin. The elder stopped calmly staring up at the towering beast. Ornamak stared back, drool pooling at his lips, snarling, evil within his eyes. The elder stood firm, Garf’s will protecting him. Ornamak’s voice seemed to come from the elders mind, “You have carried the fat cat’s burden long enough, please have a drink, you must be thirsty.” Ornamak presented the elder with a bottle of blood red wine. The elder’s thirst was undeniable, however he knew he needed his wits for the journey ahead. He said a prayer to Shrangi, the spirit of navigation and continued on his way. Ornamak growled at the elder, displeased at his failure. By nightfall the elder had made his way two thirds to the road’s end. It was then that Kematu the snake, spirit of trickery slithered behind the elder. Then darting in front of the old man stopping him. Again the spirit’s voice filled the elder’s head, “Please my friend, you look tired. Take a seat. Rest your eyes.” The elder was tired but he knew he couldn’t rest until the journey was completed. The elder prayed to the Seraph, spirit of resolve and continued on his way. By midnight the elder could see the end of the road in the distance. He was gripping his walking stick tightly, panting as he neared the end of the great road. But before him stood Odie. His voice boomed in the elders mind, sending him to his knees, “My son failed to stop you, the snake failed to stop you, how is it you continue still?” The elder spoke one word to Odie, “Faith.” He said a prayer to Armaris, spirit of bravery, and limped to the end of the road, planting the quartz seed. When the elder returned to his village Garf appeared on the hill. “You have done well child. You have made a great sacrifice. As you have sacrificed for me, I will sacrifice for you.” It was then Garf cut off his tail and stuck it on the hill. Fertility was restored to the town, and the people were cured of the curse Odie placed on them. They remembered Garf’s wisdom. “As for you child, I give you the name of Arbiter of my will. I bestow upon you a pure piece of the untainted universe.” It was a hot, meaty slice of Garf’s lasagna. The elder thanked the forgotten god looking out at his town realizing, people were beginning to remember.

Dark and Eternal Sundays
In recent times, garfism has been a religion persecuted and oppressed by many people within the nations of Rathnir, this being so, the remaining garfists wandered the world, praying to find a new holy land, and once again consume lasagna. The first of us to have a holy vision was donutt, the mouth of garf. This vision took his wanderings led him to the city of Dark. It was here that the old church would be rebuilt and converted to garfism. After Donutt received his vision, Skippy, the oracle of garf, received his own. His vision was much more cryptic than donutts, instead showing darkness, stone, dirt, orange and black fur. Upon reaching Dark, Skippy began construction of the undercity, an effort which tripled the available land the city had. Soon after, SweetBobbySauce, the fist of garf, also received his vision. His was of fire, blood, claws. He saw god and he was orange. Upon reaching Dark, his efforts went into shoring the defenses of the town, and establishing the Order of the Eternal Sunday, with himself as Grand Marshall, as well as making many mining trips into the deep dark in the name of Garf. For the next few days, the three of them continued to build upon the city, mining, building, crafting, eating lasagna. At this time,[REDACTED], real estate agent of Garf, received his vision, his was a vision of a city, with so many houses even the poorest garfist would not go unhoused. When he arrived to Dark, he increased the available housing tenfold, ensuring all garfists received a good, free home. With the help of [REDACTED]. AKA Monte, the others could devote their efforts to other projects, SweetBobbySauce built the great deepslate wall, Skkipy continued expanding the Under City, and Donutt continued restoration of the church, and began the animal breeding programs. With the rapid expansion of the town, a Vostoki diplomat by the name of _ClapCheeks_ appeared and began construction of the great statue, Garf the Redeemer. His actions have granted him an honorary membership of the Order of the Eternal Sunday, and the permanent friendship of the garfists in the city. After this, WojyWoj, liver of Garf, received his vision, one of booze, drugs and rock and roll. His arrival at Dark led to the construction of the bar in the Under City, once completed it will be a hub all are welcome in. Garfists get a discount of course. After WojyWoj, Deubs, and Oswaldicus arrived at the city, both children of the orange god. The great farm of Garf was constructed recently, ensuring large quantities of lasagna for evermore.

With the resurgence of garfism in Dark, SweetBobbySauce created the Order of the Eternal Sunday. A holy order dedicated to ensuring the entire world knows of Garfield’s peaceful ways, by force. All members of Dark are either full or honorary members of the Order, with SweetBobbySauce being the High Marshall. The Order wants nothing but the expansion of Garfism, and to protect the ancient texts of Garfism, written by our patron saint Jacw. A copy of the tome “sacrifice” resides within the church of Garf. As High Marshall, SweetBobbySauce has made many mining expeditions in order to properly arm the people of Dark, and hopes to one day be a great mercenary force, feared by all in the name of Garf. The book of heresies was created as a response to backlash from several players at the garfist resurgence. It is now kept by the High Marshall, or any surviving member after his death until a new one is appointed. ALL names in the book are traitors, heretics or villains, and are treated as such. The Order of the Eternal Sunday was pledged to aid Skjolbrodir in a war which regretfully ended peacefully. The leader of Garfism at the time, the hated Mikeymincraft, then pledged the Order, as well as all of Dark to a war against the very people who had built the statue of garf. This was a cardinal sin, and the Order and city refused the call. After this happened, the High Marshall killed a man at Mikeymincrafts wedding, and put his head on a spike outside of the Orders Headquarters. This caused Crispy Paula to fear SweetBobbySauce in combat, who then challenged him and quickly backed down from the fight. For the next few weeks all was calm, and the Order and city continued to be berated by Mikeymincraft, the hated, and raging gamer, the dork. Until the patron saints returned, giving the garfists the hope they needed to declare independence from Crispy Paula, lord of chaos, and exile both mikeyminecraft and RagingfGamerYT378 from their lands. With the aid of the living saints, as well as Ulifer and icey, the Garfist resurgence succeeded, and the eternal monday has ended. The City of Dark was renamed to Garfs Light, in honor of our god.

Saint Paula's Ramblings
dUnder all garf may garfism protectus and are citizens under all protected may we sacrifice food to garfield diamonds iron everything to garfield may the garf be with us may we worship to him may we be one with him as dark city embraces the way of garf every day may 1 animal be sacrificed to garfild his favourite animal is chicken and or cheese and it is forbidden to give him choclate or the town will be on fire and be cursed by garfield may we love trust and sacrifice to garfield

Calling
The dreams had been becoming more frequent. Louis Goldencoat was a simple man. Although he was a man of faith, he hadn’t concerned himself with the divinity of his family. Stories of wars and chaos had reached his corner of the world but it seemed as though the politics of the south were a time long past for his family. However, a feeling kept creeping over him. Every newspaper he received of heretics and violence in his ancestors homeland, resonated deeply within him. His dreams grew dark, filled with whispers of a familiar voice. He tried, however unsuccessfully, to pay them no mind. He kept his head down, kept to himself. But one night, he had a particularly vivid dream. This didn’t feel like his other dreams, this one felt real.

He found himself in the streets of Greenstem, a place he hadn't been since his youth. The sky was dark. The streets were lined with rubble of the buildings of old. Winged serpents with the faces of men flew overhead. Some faces he recognized, the faces of old monarchs and of his ancestors, but some faces he didn't. The unknown faces appeared to him as soldiers, fishermen, and merchants. As he walked by the old cathedral it collapsed at his feet. He came upon where his father told him Garf’s Tail once stood. Suddenly, the ground opened up beneath him, sending him down a seemingly unending pit. As he fell a book appeared before him. He opened it only to find the pages blank. A whisper of pure ice rang through his head. It said, "Before you is a monument to your accomplishments. Your place in the Eternal Sunday is not guaranteed. Reaffirm my will in the south, and I may have a place for you by my side." He woke suddenly in a sweat, with an overwhelming sense of purpose. The next day he found himself on a boat to Sparwood.

When he arrived at the port city of Bogmire, he found it notably damaged by the wars that had been waged in Sparwood since his last visit. He walked along the roads paved by the ancient Serafinians, headed towards the land of his faith. The Greenstem he came upon was not one he recognized. The age of bright fields and quaint homes had passed. Instead he found a landscape scarred by craters and paved by pure stone. The farming village he had known was gone and in its place, a palace to an empire of evil and sin. Speaking to townsfolk he learned of their struggle to get by with farms that no longer produced crops. The tail of the Forgotten God that once brought fertility to these lands was missing. Upon meeting the new Throne, a descendent of the pure line of Greenstir by the name of Gideon, he had come to a conclusion. Louis spoke to the people of Greenstem, “It will be my mission to find the tail of the Forgotten God and return it to Greenstem, as my ancestor Saint Jeleriad did before me. I, Louis Goldencoat III, claim my ancestral seat as Sixth Arbiter of Garf's Will, Steward of Greenstem, and Warden of the Orthodox Line of Arbiters. I will return light to the holy land of Greenstem and aid the true throne Gideon Greenstir." That same whisper of ice filled his mind and spoke, "You have done well child of faith. You will find my tail guarded by the newly reborn snake known as Irododrial, son of Kematu."

Louis’s journey to find Irododrial was no small task. As he traveled across Sparwood, he heard rumors of a golden snake, resurrected by demons of evil, but no solid leads. His journey led him to the the field where the Quartz Forest once stood. In the birthplace of Saint Alesia herself, Louis knelt and prayed. As the quiet breeze blew through the grass, and a distant bird began to chirp, Louis was at peace within Garf’s creation. And there he stayed, kneeling in prayer for some time. The quiet of the field, allowed him time to reflect. On how far he had come from his small northern village, and also upon his insatiable hunger for a slice of lasagna. That was until he felt a rumble from deep below. The birds stopped chirping. The wind seemed to stand still. And right before his eyes, the ground erupted, as a golden snake, large as a castle burst out of the ground. The eyes of the beast were crimson, shining with murderous intent. And rising from the ground, in the middle of the snake's coil, a pillar of orange and black, shining like a star on the earth.

Although the snake never opened its mouth, Louis could hear it’s voice clear as day. “My master, the Great Hound, Odie, has instructed me to protect his prize. Greenstem is now his dominion. If you want to die, as many of your people have, trying to retrieve Garf’s tail, come meet your fate.” Louis looked up at the beast, who now towered several stories above him, casting a great shadow over the land. Louis spoke calmly, knowing his faith was all he needed to protect him, “If you are so sure in your victory, you come to me.” With a roar the beast came crashing down upon Louis, who quickly unsheathed his sword ‘Reverence’, holding it above him. The monster opened its mouth to devour the faithful, but was only met with the sting of Louis's blade as it impaled through the beasts jaw. A sound that no creature of the Forgotten God could produce came from the beast, as Irododrial fell to the ground. The snake had been slain.

Louis retrieved the Tail, returning it to the holy land. As the tail touched the soil it had long ago, the scarring upon the land healed. The towers of darkness fell around the city, as walls of pure life rose, claiming the land as Garf's dominion. What was now stone became grass once again. The fields of Greenstem grew, as life returned to the city. The people of Greenstem watched as Louis Goldencoat III’s soul was pulled from his body up towards the sky, towards the Eternal Sunday. A beam of light stood above the city, scraping the heavens as a reminder to all the virtuous that their day to join Garf in eternal salvation would come. Louis would be forever known as Saint Lorrendel, the Blessed. He is forever deified as an aspect of Garf's Will in Rathnir.

Inscribed on a plaque in Greenstem reads, “Before you, stands Garf’s Tail, bestowed upon Saint Jeleriad, returned by Saint Lorrendel. It is the common heritage of every Garfist, a piece of the untainted universe. A birthright to be shared. All of the blind will be given the opportunity to see.”

The Tale of the East
The Beginning

BoatDog didn’t start off as always being in their boat, before that time, they traveled the eastern side of the world of Rathnir. In those days, they were care free, and blissful, not ever having to worry about a single thing. That all changed though; our little saint’s life would change the moment he encountered the hell spawn, void dwelling, Odie. Odie was a trickster, and manipulative false God, he only sought out to cause pain and strife to those who devoted themselves to the “Eternal Sunday”. He saw BoatDog, and thought it would be a perfect opportunity to do some trickery. Odie approached our carefree wolf, and proposed a deal to him. “Help me in my cause, and I will grant you with all the knowledge and power one could ever hold,” he stated. BoatDog, though tempted by this offer, stood firm, and politely declined. They knew in their heart that they were content roaming the world of Rathnir being a free spirit. Odie could not simply cope with the idea that someone could even deny his offer, then exclaimed “Then you shall be tortured for eternity! Your soul is damned to never reach the “Eternal Sunday”!” From freedom to an eternity of shackles, BoatDog was imprisoned in the very object that was supposed to grant mankind the freedom of exploration, a boat. Shell-shocked, by this, BoatDog simply sat and watched as Odie disappeared, cackling as he became harder and harder for the eyes to conceive. But this isn’t the end for our little wolf saint, this is only the beginning of his tale.

Patience

BoatDog sat, and watched as his vast taiga home changed ever so slightly as the seasons came and went. From the warm breezes of the springs, to the frigid winters, they sat in their boat. They came to accept their fate, realizing that the world around them was beautiful, and must be protected. They had forgiven the bastard dog that had left them there, interpreting this punishment more as a hidden privilege one does not simply acquire on their own doings. Through sitting, and waiting, BoatDog had plenty of time to ponder the inworkings of Rathnir, constantly gaining a vast understanding of the world around them. “Could this be what Odie meant by all this knowledge in the world granted to me?” they thought. “No, this is much more than that, this is simply a true understanding, and not one tainted by greed.” As BoatDog continued to sit in that little wooden boat, they lost track of time. They have seen the sun and the moon rise again, and sometimes the moon exploding(via rocket), but they could not simply track how long it’s been since their encounter with the mad hound Odie. Until one day, when a group of strange new people stumbled into the very taiga BoatDog had been stuck in all this whole time.

Homecoming

As these strangers approached BoatDog, they were blinded by his majesty, paralized, dumbstruck. They had many questions for this little wolf sitting patiently within the wooden boat. They wondered, “How did you end up here?”;“How long have they been sitting in this spot?”. BoatDog merely couldn’t communicate with them, for they had lost that concept long ago. Instead he can only guide them, and show them how important it was to protect this landscape, and be at peace with one another; Things BoatDog has learned through their experiences being in that boat. The strangers brought them gifts, and would keep them company. This was quite the change in BoatDog’s life. BoatDog was not bitter, but felt as if they could finally rest, being comforted in this newly formed family. They watched as the landscape changed around them, sprawling buildings, roads, and bustling harbors forming. Boatdog had guided the strangers well, they seemed to be at peace, but little did they know what was in store for this young colony, Braznichiya.

The Downfall

BoatDog could tell something was arye. The people were arguing with one another, and tensions started to build up. “Was this my fault?” They pondered. “Did I guide them wrongly, showing them the wrong path to take?”. Overwhelmed by this, BoatDog pleaded quietly for everyone to calm themselves, and to remember to be at peace with one another. But those pleads were drowned out by the yells of those who were only arguing for greed and power. BoatDog sat and watched, their peaceful taiga home slowly crumbling around them. They had enough. They knew what they had to do. BoatDog disappeared, ascending to the Eternal Sunday, something they were told that it would be impossible; The very thing Odie cursed upon them that fateful day. In the Forgotten God’s eyes, BoatDog was forgiven, and for this they will be granted with the everlasting beauty that is the Eternal Sunday. BoatDog knew they’d be back, but when all the conflict between their people was put to rest, when they realized they needed to protect their homeland once more. BoatDog would return and bestow them with the very knowledge that they have gained, and enlighten the people of the East once more. Though things back down on Rathnir were not as filled with happiness and peace as they were in the Eternal Sunday. After the disappearance of BoatDog, Braznichiya would see the worst hardships known to mankind. Their crops have stopped growing, and life around the city has ceased to flourish. The people would enter into five separate civil wars, tearing their landscape and people apart. Life in this new place without BoatDog had become a living nightmare.

“For me to return, the people must first realize the errors in their ways.” This is the word of Saint BoatDog, the patron Saint of Peace

Ave Saint BoatDog

Ave Garf, the Forgotten God